Monday, November 29, 2010

I Just Got Home from Coffee with Ms Jessica Zafra

Yes, my darling punk reader. Again. And I will be writing about it soon! Meanwhile, here are some pictures.

This is me after the meet and greet. That how I look like after recovering from a mild case of star-struck-ism-ness. I have met and had cocktails with The Mistress of the Universe before, and it could have been severe if this was the first time that I met her.

The Cake Club is located on the second Floor of the Powerplant Mall, in front of National Bookstore. This is where the lovely madness took place. And it should be said that I was about thirty minutes late, like I was the first time. Motherfucking damn it.

This has got to be, by far, my favorite picture of all. I could have cried upon reading this, but I'm all cried out and am severely dehydrated by that break up. This meet and greet helped. And I will be writing about it soon! Cheers you, and mabuhay from Pasig Citehh!

P.S. My next post will be about alcohol.

Friday, November 26, 2010

A Kinky Breakup Story -- My EX Is A Porn Star!

This is a 2005 chat transcript that I saved for future reference. This was with a friend who had a porn star ex-girlfriend, and he talked about it in 2005. He discovered that his ex-girlfriend started doing porn after they broke up, and she has been moderately advertised in some porn site. He found this out because he was researching for material for his porn blog. So he planned something similar to a horny entrapment, and then the rest is sexy fun. It's all here, you darling punk.

I was greater_cynic, among other devilish handles, but I no longer use that YM ID; it has seen better days. Yes, I used to talk like I did in this chat transcript. Now, my four leaf clover of a friend, simply because he's lucky, hello, is using the handle "stranger7XXX." Of course, that's not his real YM ID. It might as well be Bucky Lastard. But that was amended in this post for the purposes of privacy; he's too cool to be chatting with non-pornstars like the rest of us.

And aside from that one modification, the rest of the transcript is presented in it's unwholesome third world goodness. In Tagalog. So click on the link below, it will redirect you to another post that was meant for the motherfucking length of the transcript, but it's in this same blog anyway. If you want to post a comment, then please do it in this post, okay? Muahness from Pasig Citehh!

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Sooo... This is What a Breakup Feels Like

**It's not enough that it kills, but it gives you shit ideas at the same time. I don't mind the ideas though. At least I know I'm not crazy yet. And because I'm such a list freak, allow me to practice this obsessive compulsive tendency on the foolish notions that came to me in between the tears and the anger and all that creamy goodness.

1. I lived a life of sin and excess and loose morals and extravagant homosexuality. And then I died and met Joel. Ah! The very mention of his name mutes out Heaven's harps; he was Love in a 5'6 frame. I was confused. I didn't know if I was judged correctly because it was four years of happy and content domestication. We broke up three months before our fifth year, and then I realized that the Divine Authorities passed the right sentence. I've never been in a hell this cruel.

2. I moved out of my mother's apartment more than four years ago just so I have something of my own to go home to. And I did. Or rather, I used to. In the light of our recent break up, I am now just paying rent.

3. You will forgive my being out of character in this post. A lot of the drama in what you are reading now has more potency in it when compared to this extreme drinking session where, of its thirty guests, twenty six of them are horny homosexual men. The other four guests are barely legal male teenagers with experience. Yes, if you could please pay attention to the drama, please.

4. I suppose the only reason why I'm crying now as I'm writing this is because my sister asked me to hang in there. And I feel like writing because I have to make the shedding stop. I should try something! Crying makes me look less rock and roll. And, in passing, I must make a secret habit of this wonderful foreign thing, this crying. That long sigh summarizes the tears and brings with it this marvelous feeling of relief that beats masturbation easy. This long sigh did to my heart what writing and talking about it to my friends failed to do. It lifted this strange weight, and I am now less inclined to endear Joel into memory. I love this crying shit. They never mentioned how good it feels. Fuck those sons of bitches and their Bob Ong plagiarisms. Ahhh! I should sleep better now, I suppose.

5. He arrived within the hour, and we talked. And then we cried. And those were simply the most acidic tears I've ever shed. The skin on my face was intact, but something in my chest was being dissolved by this very potent corrosive.

6. Tomorrow, I will compare all this drama with a jar of surgically excised human appendices floating in embalming fluid. And I will soon find out that there isn't much of a difference, if there was any to begin with. God damn this awful baggage! I wish I could pray this away, but I am a seasonal Catholic, mostly in December. I have a month's practice, in a year, and my prayers will not answer. I will, for now, suffer this imaginary tumor until the next great distraction comes along. I wouldn't mind one with an eight inch cock, although that will take some getting used to. It will be December soon. And then I'll start praying.

7. You will need your funny friends in times like these. Or a friend.

8. Happiness is getting out of the hospital with a prescription for mild painkillers twice a day for a week. No, I'm not dieting on a dumb kind of rice, but then we were expecting a biopsy. I know this doesn't follow, but I was referring to another kind of drama which was simultaneous with the break up and it kept me distracted some.

9. Clearly, the words "heart break" or "heart broken" are, now that I'm suffering, an understatement. My heart didn't break. It dissolved, and in its place remained this burning piece of furious brimstone that melted everything around it. Whoever came up with those terms should be shot because she's common and has a poor choice of words.

10. It's a hearing aid because it doesn't just magnify a song. It lets you hear every line of lyric. And, in the face of these mounting tears, you believe they wrote it for you.

11. The truth is I've had two break ups in 2010. The first one happened in August, and it terminated a six year redhjlajdtionjhfship. I didn't escape that last one in November, either, and it ended a four year love affair with The love of my life. I loved the first one, W, with my internet connection and my landline. On the other hand, I loved the second one, J, with. My. Heart. Fuck that cheese.

There's no question about it, the only time you can call that "two timing," shush your pie hole, is when you just heard that phrase, and you doubt you know what that means, but you use it anyway because you are imagining you are making sense.

Never mind that the first one, with W, is more or less imaginary on account of it was all online with several four-hour phone calls. It was helpful, in a way, because it conditioned me for real devastation. All that practice was most useful. That first relationship, if you can call it that while sober, was established on nothing grounds. It was lacking, but it had perfect timing, and it made for the best toilet training.

12. I have a steady income, a degree in Mathematics, my own apartment with things in it, and I'm living in with the love of my life. I was so cool, I could preserve processed meat. But then we broke up three months before our fifth year, and then my personal estimation suffered. But I will endure and emerge, and then I will be cooler. I have a vision -- I will be keeping ice and canned beer cold. Blecch.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

OMG You Guys, the Internet is Full of Weird People! Who'd Have Thunk? -- PART ONE

**Think of this as an advocacy.

**Meanwhile, this is a filler post. I have this folder of prepared posts just in case I should be "distracted." That is what I am now, and then some. My offline life is the very definition of devastation, currently, and I am taking a break from all that crying and shedding and silent screaming because I am still a blogger, after all, and I have to post. That being said, I apologize to you, you darling blogger in my blog roll, if I wasn't present in your comments form recently. I love you and I will make love to you if you were hung and a power top.

Just when you thought you've desensitized yourself with the sickest ocular trauma the World Wide Web has to offer, along comes, to further revolt your unbelieving and simultaneously excited person, these choice clips from Something's Archives. I didn't know how I got there, perhaps a series of unfortunate hops, but it's goddamn awful, and it rocks.

I'm idle when I have the time, and to quote Junkmaster, I did the surfing, so you don't have to. So there. And this is NOT a sponsored post, mind you. Continue reading, love.

Verily, the internet is way too big for one's pustular imagination, and here's another opportunity to broaden our perverse horizons together. Ladies and gentlemen, submitted for your orgasmic and brick-shitting pleasure: selected Lines from Something's Archives. These are transcribed verbatim, and that explains the typos; kindly shut your piehole please. I'm having none of it.

1. from The Eunuch Archives

Now comes the question. Currently with one testicle, my scrotum is way too loose and sticks to my thigh, twists around, gets caught on everything and is always in the way
A Eunuch, by the way, is a castrated human male. He's got one testicle. I give him one loser star.

2. from The Incest Taboo Forum

I say this tongue in cheek mostly, but me and mom have two kids both healthy and fine and I have a child with my aunt and one with a cousing and they are fine and healthy no birth defects (except the boys have small ears, lol).
You know where I stand in this Taboo thing. I endorse the thing. The number is on a prior post, and if Gabriel asks, just tell him you got the number from the tattooed gay dude. Mention Taboo 1 to 13. But this guy is referring to the actual act.

3. from The Real Super Powers and Universal Psychic Guild

Lately I have noticed that I can listen to the thoughts of any animal that I come into any type of contact with (long range not sure how long). The bad thing is that I hear every though and animals are quite schizophrenic.

Anyone know how to shut out thoughts?
I have nothing against make believe super powers. I used to be Rogue when we were doing X-Men play fights as kids. And look at me now.

4. from The Goths, Witches, and Wiccans Forum

plus im planning to get a tat that sez "S.K.I.T" n gcthic text or old english or something like that. meaning SERIAL KILLER IN TRAINING
Or you can get a tattoo that says "S.T.F.U.L." It means SHUT THE FUCK UP LOSER

5. from The Auto-Fellatio, Wrestling, and Time Travel Forum

New SS, very interested.

Posted by Newbie on February 11, 2004 at 20:12:42

I had never thought that so many could actually SS. I was very surprised when I looked online and found such a community. I had tried a few times before lately but though it was just something that you had to be born with. I am now excited to actually get to my cock. I am 19, 5'10" and weigh about 145 pounds. I have gotten my tongue about an inch or two from the tip of my cock. I was wondering if anyone could give me some tips or personal tips. I know it will take some time to get down on myself, but I can't wait!

Autofellatio is the act of oral stimulation of one's own penis as a form of masturbation. Practitioners of this sexual act are simultaneously so hung and flexible that they can suck their own cock. These guys don't deserve loser stars. They deserve a standing ovation.

6. from Voy Forums: Troubled Teens Unite!

Date PostedL 13:47:19 02/21/03 Fri
Author: ricky barningharn
Subject: skitzoprenia

ill get to the point
1.when walkin with my friends and family i get the feeling they will all turn around and start fighting me and i get very paranoid
2.when walkin 1/2 the cars i see give me the feeling they r following me to observe me.
3.i hear voices in my head(mostly my name)and talk to myself often.
4.the government has bugged my house and they r watching me 24/7 (i think)
5.i sumtimes think people r reading my mind
6.i currently take wellbutrin,zyprexa,seriquil

tell me whats up
This is what's up, fool.

7. from The Peeing and Pooping in School and Public Forum

Subject: I need some suggestions
Name: Emily
Date Posted: Dec 31, 03 - 10:15 AM

Message: Hi, My name is Emily and I am new here. I have tried to have accidents in my underwears but I have not been succesful At doing.

Also, are their any girls that could be my friend.

Why would anyway want to shit on purpose on their own underwear? And a girl, no less? Of course, the gender is immaterial, and I could be wrong.

8. from The Can't Find On Google Forum

a at 11/19/2005 08:57:23 pm

Really Looking For: a job that does not require a college (or highschool....) education

Search Terms Tried: uh, i couldnt thhink of what to type so none

Comments: jus wondering. the more money the better!! just incase i was to, err, *cough* drop out of highschool *cough* . its 12:00 and i have a crapload of failing half of my classes.... i know about 3 people in tha whole school well... so, i was just wondering what kind of job ops i have. not saying i will or anything, just curious...

josh at 12/06/2005 02:36:31 am

Really Looking For: a copy of my mug shot taken about 2 years ago by the police, and my arrest record

Search Terms Tried: texas stae records mug shots; texas state arrest records; my mugshot; my arrest record, basically any combonation you can think of

Comments: it's not like I'm a hardened criminal trying to erase my record or anything, it's just that I have been arrest before and I a0wanna see what I looked like b) want to try and use the pic for a website and c) wanna see if public intoxication is still on my record. if any one can help please do. oh and I'm a cheap-skate so I don't wanna have to pay a site for a picture of myself
Suffice to say that there are things that Google can't find. That being said, do you guys Google yourselves?

9. from The FightingArts Forum

#196028 - 04/04/04 02:31PM

where on the neck is the most effective spot to pinch someone if you wished to put them out or paralize them for a couple of minutes. i keep trying it on my little brother but he doesn't like to cooperate
Or you can try it on your own, and have somebody administer the strong ammonia. And then do it again if you didn't like the results.

10. from The Deviant Desires Forum

"i find pig roasts so erotic"
Posted by samantha on 08-02-03 at 03:46 PM

I attended my first pig roast last weekend,and for some reason found the though of all of the people there consuming this roasted pig quite erotic! My boyfried enjoyed it to, but not in the same way as I did! My question is,am i too wierd or is this just a passing perversion? I mean I can't wait till the next one... samantha
I never knew that roasted pigs can be such a turn on. This lady's sick; the loser meter doesn't apply.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

A Public Service Announcement from Momel's Big Blahg of Bullshit: Where to Get Your Porn Offline

**Because I'm not just long legs and then some. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, you read me right - Where to Get Your Porn. This is not a sponsored post. This is me doing an endorsement for y'alls obscene businesses.

We were trying to get ourselves smashed in my apartment. And we've had too much to drink that night. Somebody got real horny and popped a DVD in the player. I think it was me. It was one of those cheap-ass Scandals Collection, where they had celebrity look-alikes in the most uncompromising gymnastics. You know it's not Marian Rivera, or Heart Evangelista, or Katrina Halili (no wait, I take that back, that Is Katrina Halili), but we went ahead and popped that video because we were looking for something else to make fun of.

Because that's what we do as horny, intoxicated fags: we find fault and laugh. And then in retrospect, it makes no difference if we're sober and indifferent: we still find fault and laugh. And that kind of consistency is just legendary. And I'm just saying.

I didn't mention that, as horny, intoxicated fags, we're also automatically on the prowl for meat. Because my mother reads my blog sometimes, and I wouldn't want to give her the wrong impression.

Ten minutes into the DVD and we saw this ad for what can be, personally, The Mother of All Porn movies. It featured this terrific orgy where everybody was alternatingly fellating and doing cunnilingus in this human circle, their naked bodies bounded this lascivious circumference that writhed and pulsated with every stroking movement. Yes, ladies and gentlemen and kids below 12, this was an advertisement for Taboo. And it had a phone number. 0927 442 9548. And further instructions, too - Look for Gabriel.

I saved that number in my phone and texted Gabriel because I wanted to get me some classic porn. What happened next was all a vague haze; I was drunk like a fish swimming in a beer aquarium so I didn't know what transpired in that series of text messages. But I enjoyed what came of it, all thirteen episodes of it, because he was prompt like a solicitation and knows good business. He gave me Taboo 1 to 13, porn culture, and blood in my sperm, for a thousand pesos. We met, the first time, in Robinson's Galleria.

And he also gave me access to his voluminous list of classic titles, and hijo de puta, he's got enough for suicide by masturbation. No gay titles though. Pain in the nuts, I know.

So if you kids are in the market for porn, then here are your digits:

0927 442 9548

And, again, look for Gabriel. If he asks you where you got his number, tell him you got it from me. You might want to mention the tattooed gay dude who got Taboo 1 to 13. That should refresh his memory.

Wednesday, November 03, 2010

Fuck You Jim Girl, Here's Your One Thousand Words

**He used to be called Jimboy, when he was still dating that showbiz novelty they call Mahal because, I suppose, he wanted to be famous by association. Poor choice, though. Of course they broke up, and you'd think that was that, but he did a Bebe Gandanghari number in The Buzz last Sunday; he finally came out of the closet, and he was in drag. Blech, it was a pathetic repeat of awful showbiz history, and it was just bad shit.

**And it is my self-imposed responsibility, duty if you may, to report and make fun of this bullshit that is called Jimgirl. Super crap calls himself that now, and I wrote him this letter.

Dear Jimgirl,

First off, I just want to let you know that you're yesterday's bad news, you cheap piece of suck-up, no-talent shit. You're not a celebrity, not even close, so don't tell us you missed show business. Your knee-high, quarter-famous¹ ex-girlfriend, that dwarf you stepped on in your pathetic attempt at social climbing, she barely cut the fame cake. And that's not for lack of practice, either; she had this nightmarish full frontal video clip where she was taking a shower. Disgusting stuff, really. And that's coming from me. I grew up watching those Faces of Death videos, and I was practically desensitized. That video of your midget benefactor, in all her godawful nakedness, had more horror in it than the one with this Japanese guy eating shit with a spoon. God, that takes me back.

The only thing proper about that interview you did last Sunday was the timing. I mean, it was Halloween, and it would have been swell and dandy if you were in drag for the publicity. But it turns out that you were in drag because you're an actual fag, and you're not kidding. Funny, you're wearing that bonnet, and you're not kidding? Anyway, there's nothing original with the coming-out-in-drag gimmick. Somebody beat you to it. And it stagnated his already rotting career all the more. He had movies, and an Imdb page, and a Wikipedia page, and a lovely ex-wife who was more prosperous after the divorce. He came out in drag, and that sinked his Titanic. Meanwhile, the height of your popularity was your name in a bad song.

♫Piolo, Piolo, I love you. ♫Aga, Aga, I like you. ♪Jimboy, Jimboy, I hate you. ♫Eh kasi naman, niloloko mo ako.♪

I'm sure you practiced for that "exclusive interview." You even dressed for the occasion, poorly if you should know. But you can't cry on cue. That One Close Up was critical, and you let the moment pass with this painful attempt at shedding a tear. Which didn't happen. We knew you were faking it right at that moment when you started to look like somebody punched you square in the nuts. But, nope, no tears. Your badly done make up was run-free, and it could have used the character that those "tears" will provide. That's a shame, really, because you were none the prettier anyway.

That interview with The Buzz will not help you none. Well it helped you become the butt of our white hot loathing, but aside from that, there will be no benefit in your behalf. It was just thoroughly pathetic, if you should know. Furthermore, I don't think that what you earned from that TV guesting will be enough for a beauty parlor. You might as well revive your role as a parasite and look for a midget sugar daddy in show business. But that's a bad idea, I gather, because the novelty of dwarves in show business died out in the 90's.

Your coming out in The Buzz will not help you none, so here's a thousand-word picture I promised for consolation.

¹I can't say semi-famous, that would be telling a lie. And I used that to address proportion.


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