I pity the fool who learned to smoke in the year 2000. This same fool had to quit school for a year because of some very stupid wreck. He had friends in the same boat. Misery loves company, but this company of fools decided to learn how to smoke. They learned this well, but trouble is, they elected to unlearn the quitting part of it.I pity the fool who is now having problems controlling his addiction to ten sticks a day. He's now on his bad habit for seven years now, and he knows better than to sustain this addiction for another three years.I pity the fool who has read somewhere that ten years of smoking is overly critical for any smoker who's been observing the habit with religious discipline. This fool refuses to verify that 10-year reference point on account of his digits could very well be wrong, and he's afraid that he might be smoking far longer than that.I pity the fool who can't do much about his addiction but to blog about it.
**Did you know that I went to the same memorial chapel twice in just three months? See, that's two deaths three months apart.I was playing a video game at around 12:30 in the afternoon when Loida, our domestic friend from the province, barged in and delivered some piping bad news. "Patay na si Tito Boy!" Tito Boy was one of the more infamous characters in the neighborhood. He was, well, one of the least favorable role models around on account of he smoked a lot, he drank a lot, and his complexion was tainted by all that rum. Incidentally, he smelled like he was distilled. He never left home without a cigarette in one hand and then the other nineteen in the pack in his pocket. He was almost always walking in zigzags, and he was the universal poster boy for eau de Tanduay Rum. He was the perfect candidate for the so-called "sakit sa bopis," i.e. "sakit sa baga, sakit sa atay," but enough of the eulogy.
Just two days ago, he was sentenced to a maximum of thirty days under complete life support. See, he had an issue with his lungs, and the cancer has already corrupted just about half of it. What he had left was but half of what he was born with, and sources say, it wasn't even the size of his fists. Of his curled fists. Anyway, this wasn't something that's totally unexpected, I mean, he DID smoke too much. It was at least a pack of the cancer sticks in a day, and that was during the better part of his life. His smoking habit, at the height of his nicotine dependency, was the stuff legends are made of. It was at least three packs a day, and then there came a time when he'd wake up during the early hours of the morning just to get a cup of coffee and then two sticks. He was basically another fatality waiting to happen, and it happened around 12 in the afternoon. This afternoon.
It was when Loida added that "kamamatay lang niya kaninang mga twelve," that I had this sudden urge to remain calm.Remain calm with a cigarette, that is.
Somebody died of smoking-induced cancer just thirty minutes ago, and I was with a cigarette in between my lips. Of course you'd understand how I received the news with much apprehension, but I was ironically seeking comfort in something that killed someone just thirty minutes ago. It's not something that I did on purpose. I never did like the guy, but I'm not spiting or mocking his memory with a cigarette between my lips. I'm doing that out of habit. See, I smoke with an unbridled lack of discipline. And I am aware of the detriments that my chosen vice is capable of inducing, but I don't hate the surgeon general not one bit for he has been very consistent with his warnings.
Tobacco companies try to be discreet with their health warnings, hopefully attempting to wash their hands clean of this bad habit that's making them millions of dollars in profit. So what they do is they print out surgeon general warnings on each pack of cigarette, effectuating a propaganda that defeats the point of smoking in the first place. I'm not buying cigarettes to be reminded of how unhealthy they are in the first place.
I know that cigarette smoking is dangerous to your health, smoking is harmful to children and pregnant women, and smoking kills, but do I care? It's probably out of my mind as soon as that first stick fresh out of the pack hits my lips, and is compeletely forgotten after the second one. And then there's another warning on my second pack, but these words of advice goes out in smokes in this viciously nonterminating cycle.
But am I even threatened, let alone intimidated by such horror stories, however factual? What is it with us smokers; we are well aware of the different malignancies introduced by this habit, and yet we still find ourselves taking a drag on that Marlboro Lights.
Arsenic makes for a healthy lunch, and smoking is good for the lungs. A reliable source once told me that there are about four hundred different chemicals slash poisons in a single cigarette stick. Some of these chemicals include ammonia (used as a household cleaning agent), acetone (nail polish remover), naphthalene (mothballs), methanol (rocket fuel), phenol (disinfectant), hydrogen cyanide, toluene (industrial solvent), and of course, pesticides. Of course I was slightly taken aback by the realization that I was smoking mothballs all along, but then it doesn't stop there. The list goes on to include those used in embalming fluids like arsenic and formaldehyde.
Call me paranoid, but something tells me to kick the habit altogether. But the thing is, I can never seem to get off of this smoking thing, or I'm almost always with a cigarette in between my lips. I reckon that I can always quit later, and when "later" happens to be a little too late, then I might as well go to hell with the poison of my choice.
I have always tried to lessen the sticks I've been consuming, or rather puffing on, hoping that I will be able to gradually kick the habit in the long run, but hell no. The more I promise to refrain from smoking, the more difficult it becomes.
There was a time when I tried to, excuse my French, "quit" the habit altogether. The plan was to gradually decrease the number of cigarettes I've been smoking in a day until it concludes in smoking zero cigarettes at all. It all went well in the beginning. I mean, I had no problem going from ten sticks a day, to eight sticks in three days. And then six sticks a few days after that. It was going so well that in just two weeks, I was very happy with my five stick a day quota. But then, somebody invited me to get shitfaced over a couple of beers, and then I was back to doing twelve sticks in no time at all.
I know what the possible advantages are if I was to completely refrain from embracing the habit altogether, but it seems that quitting's a welcome change that can always take place after the last stick. A person sentenced to death always has his last wish, but to us smokers, it's the last stick. Ironically enough, the last stick is a symbolism for change that'll never happen anyway, for there's bound to be another one in three hours. And then three hours after that, or maybe after a full meal, or while taking a dump, whichever comes first.
I've grown so used to smoking at any given time that swearing on the last stick becomes swearing on the last pack, until the strength of resolve has conceded into an addiction that kills. In the long run, the promise to refrain from smoking becomes a promise to refrain from smoking "too much."
Honestly, all this talk about smoking is making me much too tense. Has anyone seen my lighter?
**Let me explain the madness...I began writing in the year 2000, and that was the time when I really started worrying for myself. I mean, things were going okay for a while. I'm a year away from graduating with a degree in mathematics, my single parent's doing well in her job, and her offspring are all in UST. In a year, I'd be a degree holder already, and I'll probably be looking for a nice job out there, what with the diploma and all.Then I failed a major subject along the way. I thought all the while that this was something that I could just take in summer, or the year after that, but then I found out that I will be so fucked if I can't do anything about it. And much to my chagrin, I wasn't able to do anything about it. I mean, this wasn't something that they offerred in summer school, and the least I could do was to wait for it second sem next year. Or paint myself red and then run for the hills.Which means that I wouldn't be graduating next year. The domino effect started taking place, and I was seriously fucked up. Big time. In this case, I only have two dominoes, graduating on time and then the bragging rights of a math graduate, but they both fell down with a deafening crash followed by a waving dirty finger.I wanted to look at the bright side of things, like there was any. I mean, I'm going to have a full year to myself, do things I haven't done before, find a job or something. Hey, the joys of multitasking as a service crew sounds exciting, maybe I'll try that. I mean, what can be more fun than taking orders, serving noodles, and then going around the store armed with a bustrag, ready to wipe tables clean. But then, this excercise in optimism is damn futile. I knew that I was being stupid all along.
It was in the same year that I started growing my horns as a smoking fiend. I got acquainted with my current bestfriend, Marlboro Lights, and I got to know him better the more I spiraled downwards in deep shit.My mother hated that, and she reviled my smoking more than she did my stopping from school. But she did not cry over my smoking.
It's all going so great, until I found out that I won't be going to school next year.
Basically, this was what started it all.
"Puro kami mga abnormal. So DON'T take this seriously. We didn't."
Reports of this tragic tsunami devastating parts of Sri Lanka, Thailand and India came into our attention as we were having our usual late night cigarette ring. I call it a cigarette ring as we were this group of almost heavy smokers, and then we would discuss topics that would not terminate itself until one of us calls it a night and then grabs the last cigarette for the day. Well, we had one of those discussions that began with a tsunami, and then it hilariously unfolds itself into a series of interrogations that ended with Darwin's Theory of Evolution. We never had an idea how that happened, but it surely made for a very funny nightcap that had us thinking at the same time.And understand that this was not, in any matter, shape or form, a comedy routine meant to make you laugh or something. This is a simplified narration of the different issues that we talked about in light of the Tsunami, and how it went from Point A to Point X, defying all laws of coherence at the same time, was entirely not our fault.And if you would wish to disagree with any of the points that we raised that night, feel free and be our guest. I mean, it takes a bigger moron to rebutt one anyway, so it's basically your call.
Here goes:
"Life vest lang ang katapat ng tanginang tsunami na yan. Hintayin mo lang. (Gago, eh di aanurin ka rin non, malakas kaya ang puwersa noon) Edi lagyan mo ng anchor, inutil ka pala eh.
"Kung halimbawang aabutin tayo dito ng tsunami sa Pasig, ang gagawin ko eh magkukulong ako sa banyo. (Kagaya ng ginawa nung anak ni de Venecia?) Oo. (Edi ba nga namatay yon?) Kaya nga ako pupuntang banyo para pag napuno na siya ng tubig, flush ko na lang. ANO BA ITONG KAUSAP KO, NAG-IISIP BA ITO?"
"Diba lalaki si santa claus, na mataba tapos palaging nakapula. (oo, mayroon pa ngang mrs claus, so lalaki talaga). edi dapat pala "Santo" claus. Magtanong ka ng espanyol, sasabihin nila, dapat "el santo" claus.
"Kahit naman dati, hindi ako naniwala sa lintik na santa na iyan eh. (Bakit naman?) Sinong inulol niya, eh yung bahay namin sa santa cruz wala namang chimney, paano niya ibibigay yung gift ko. Sira ba ulo niya, ano yun, ihahagis niya sa bintana, eh paano kung bowling ball ang hiniling ko, edi nagbayad pa siya ng panggawa. (Sana hiniling mo palakol, tapos saluhin mo pag hinagis sa iyo. Mukha mo ipangsalo mo.)"
"Tsaka bakit alam niya kung anong hihilingin ko ngayong pasko, eh hindi ko naman talaga pinadala sa post office yung letter ko. Anlaking kagaguhan diba? Wala ngang selyo eh, kasi hindi ko alam kung magkanong selyo ang bibilhin ko. Kagaya ngayon, kagagaling ko lang sa operasyon, so ang kailangan ko ay mefenamic acid tsaka antibiotic, eh paano yun, eh yung mga elves niya, puro kahoy lang ang ginagamit na panggawa ng gifts. (Ayaw mo ng bedpan?)"
"Tsaka diba sa north pole siya nakatira, eh saan naman nila kinukuha yung mga panggawa nila ng regalo. Baka illegal loggers yung mga putanginang elves na iyan. Shet!"
"Si Eba't Adan... naintindihan nila yung utos ni god na huwag kainin yung forbidden fruit. Tapos, si eba, naintindihan yung ahas na kainin daw yung apple. Putangina niya, eh paanong nangyaring tsaka lang nila nalaman na nakahubad pala sila kundi pa nila kakainin yung apple. So ibig sabihin pala noon, god and the snake speaks the same tongue."
"Puwede kayang cavemen muna sila eba't adan, tapos paluan lang sila ng paluan sa ulo ng mga kahoy para magkaintindihan?"
"O sige, sabihin na nating sa tower of babel nga nagsimula yang katarantaduhang mga iba ibang languages na iyan, pero sinong nagturong magsalita ng hapon? Ng indian? Ng english? Ng tagalog? Tsaka paano naman nila malalaman na ingglisero na yung kausap nila, eh diba nga, kagulo sila noong mga time na iyon?"
"Hindi kaya naubos yung mga dinosaur noong lumulutang na yung noah's ark. sabagay, paano nga naman sila kakasya doon? (Eh hindi naman binanggit yung mga dinosaurs sa bible eh). Eh kaya nga hindi na binanggit, siguro kasi nga nalunod na sa great flood. Hindi ka ba nag-iisip?"
"Ano kayang mangyayari pag ang earth nahati sa dalawa, paano kaya ang ikot noon? (Oi gago, doon ka sa kabilang hati."
"Bakit ang mga aliens, iisa itsura halos. yung kulay green sila, diba, tapos malalaki yung mata na kulay itim, malaki rin ang ulo na hugis oval? (Siguro galing sila sa isang malaking galaxy na kung saan eh magkakamukha silang lahat, parang tayo.) Edi tayo pala aliens."
"Kung ang tao, nanggaling sa unggoy, bakit may unggoy pa rin? Tsaka bakit kung ang mga baby, mukhang tao, diba dapat unggoy muna sila, tapos hintayin na lang mag-evolve hanggang magmukhang tao?"
"Oi, mga putangina niyong mga kupal kayo, itulog niyo yan. Kanina pa tayo naggagaguhan dito. Wala na tayong yosi."
I pity the fool who learned to smoke in the year 2000. This same fool had to quit school for a year because of some very stupid wreck. He had friends in the same boat. Misery loves company, but this company of fools decided to learn how to smoke. They learned this well, but trouble is, they elected to unlearn the quitting part of it.
