**Happy New Year!
There's this kid in the front seat of this FX taxi that drove me home one time. He's a whiny two, maybe one-year old bother, loud and troublesome all throughout his very malnourished disposition, and he's crying. Hard. Real hard. You can't imagine how such crazy shrieking can issue from a kid that skinny. It's like the noise of deep frying wire, multiplied by a thousand, and then heard through a stethoscope. It's just not possible, but then, hunger pangs do occasion such intense effects, so I thought of it no more. That's this driver's problem anyway. The third thing that dawned on me as I half heartedly loaded myself in this wreck of a ride home is that life here is hard. The first thing was "what an ugly kid," and then "losers don't get no better than this fool next to this kid." The driver has this very gross sixth finger in his right hand too, not that it matters. I'm just saying that because I have such attention to detail. But no, that doesn't change anything: life here is hard. It's so hard that it pushed this poor FX driver dude, this one with the sixth finger, to baby sit and drive at the same time. And then it occured to me that most Filipinos can't afford a baby sitter, much less an unhygienic baby sitter that makes fare change all day. So this little bother must be his kid. It was in this same ride home that I saw this AD for a web developing company. They're hiring bloggers who specialize in Wordpress. Now, that gave me an idea, and I was this close to suggesting a part time four hour job thrice weekly. I learned Blogger, and I sure as hell can learn Wordpress, but I decided my sexy night job pretty much covers my expenses well enough to ignore the idea of two timing my pimps. Life's hard, but I shushed that thought dead in its tracks, and resigned myself to this poor kid overpowering the stereo with his hungry screaming. And then there's this loud bitch too, in the same ride home, who was just relentless with her two peso change. She paid 25 pesos for a 23 peso ride, and I'm telling you, she's mighty vigilant with her just difference. Sure, a penny saved is a penny earned, but she, she's stinginess with a vengeance! And she's as loud about it, too. Now I'm sure I can't say this enough, but life's hard. It's harder, though, for that poor misfigured chap who had to raise a kid at the same time he's making change. I hope all those distractions steer him clear of a traffic violation or a speeding ticket or, bless his soul, from some freak accident that will severely damage his van beyond repair. That's like he's already dug himself a shallow grave, but somebody goes ahead and throws him a shovel to dig deeper. It can only get harder.
**Anyone in for a twisted patty?
THE MAD
Directed By: John Kalangis
Release Date: 22 May 2007
Running Time: 83 minutes Language: English
Horror Type: Bad cow meat.
Sex? - I didn't miss any.
None. Gore? - Cute. Billy Zane stars in this lame, sleep inducing half-comedy that twists mad cows disease, there you go, to very dull proportions. I know, that's stupid right off the bat, but that's not even half of it.
The real problem I had with this movie is I don't get them ground beef patties that attack people and turn them into zombies when anyone who eats them turns into zombies anyway. They're moldy chunks of mad cow beef, and what they do is they fly like face huggers and attach themselves to their victims. How is that vicious when they don't even have teeth? And they're green? And the zombies, wow, the undead in this film are hella unconventional in a totally unfunny way. Zombies don't figure out guns, let alone use them to kill off what might be an important character, and they are not supposed to be bribed with designer clothes.
Momel's Rating: 2/5
**Most sites say this movie sucked. I disagree. 
THE MORGUE
Directed By: Halder Gomes and Gerson Sanginitto Release Date: August 28, 2008Running Time: 84 minutes
Language: English Horror Type: Ghosts on the run. Sex? - None. Gore? - None.
How fascinatingly twisted that The Morgue begins with a quote from Sir Arthur Conan Doyle. I mean, it needs a real Sherlock Holmes, or someone similarly trained to unweave the seemingly confusing threads of this movie. "Whenever you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth."
It's about this group of seven strangers who find themselves fighting for their lives in this morgue. Sure its campy, but then it goes on to reveal that these people are dead to begin with. Like Bruce Willis in The Sixth Sense or Nicole Kidman and her kids in The Others, these people don't know they're dead already. The surprising twist here is with the serial killers. I mean, what's the point of a killing spree if he's killing dead people to begin with? Ah, that's where it gets real clever.Momel's Rating: 4/5
**Y'all gun love this little treasure.
TRAILER PARK OF TERROR
Directed By: Steven GoldmannRelease Date: 21 October 2008Running Time: 91 minutes Language: English Horror Type: Fucking backwards redneck zombies from hell. Sex? - Hell yeah! Gore? - Kickass! It's a survival horror film which features a group of strangers fighting for their lives in this, guess where, in this trailer park. Let me enumerate some of the fruitiest gore this movie has to offer so we can all move on to better pursuits. Please find time to masturbate. 1. There's this cute scene where a drug addict gets so totally high that she was laughing as her arm was being severed. Her trip goes down, and then she was disemboweled and further cannibalized by a 500-pound zombie. 2. There's this segment on the perfect beef jerky recipe, and they're letting this horndog get first picks. What makes it half-cool is they're cooking him alive, so he's basically eating parts of himself. It's not all mindless gore though as there is a rather solid, however brief semblance of an actual tale behind the madness. That's becoming rare these days. Momel's Rating: 3/4
**Cute movie with a bad taste for morbid. FEAST 2Directed By: John GulagerRelease Date: June 27, 2008Running Time: 97 minutes Language: English Horror Type: Catfucking freakbeasts.Sex? - Most definitely: half naked biker chicks and horny wrestler midgetsGore? - Prime!You can say that for a continuing story, Feast II: Sloppy Seconds eats the droppings of its predecessor. It's good, but not as fantastic. See, this installation is just recklessly gory to a fault. It's so messy that there's not enough space for an actual story of its own. Sure, the survival horror theme is there like it was in the first feature, but its so relentless with the splatter that it loosens its grip on actual continuity. It does pick up where Honey Pie left off, or to be more proper, deserted, but the storytelling's narrated in very specific particles to give way to the mind blowing splatter that Feast 2 has to offer. There's nothing scary about it, but in retrospect, the sub title does say Sloppy Seconds. There's this scene where this guy throws a baby in the air, as a decoy, because he's being chased by this mob of freak beasts. That's just sick. And by that, I mean unnecessary. I love it. Couple that with this totally ew regurgitate make out scene plus this gassy monster autopsy, and you have a hardcore challenge to your intestinal fortitude. It's got a loose story, but the awesome kill scenes leave you sore for sloppier thirds.
Momel's Rating: 4/5
There's this kid in the front seat of this FX taxi that drove me home one time. He's a whiny two, maybe one-year old bother, loud and troublesome all throughout his very malnourished disposition, and he's crying. Hard. Real hard. You can't imagine how such crazy shrieking can issue from a kid that skinny. It's like the noise of deep frying wire, multiplied by a thousand, and then heard through a stethoscope. It's just not possible, but then, hunger pangs do occasion such intense effects, so I thought of it no more. That's this driver's problem anyway. 
