Rub Yourself the Right Way

**Ego boosting accomplishments

1. I know how it feels like to live on my own. I support myself. I feed myself. And I look up to no one else. If this doesn't spell total independence, I wouldn't know what does.

2. I know how it feels like to have championed a nine ball tournament. Twice. In a row.

3. I know how it feels like to maintain this blog.

4. I know how it feels like to emcee an event celebrated by three different call centers. That means I emerged in a sea of trying hard caucasian sounding wannabes. I used to be, back then, the best sounding faker there was.

5. I know how it feels like to live in love. And I know how it feels like to be introduced to the parent.

Beggar's Can't Be Choosers Part 3: Shit Kings of Turd Mountain

It was mentioned not so long ago that the Philippines bagged the Top Spot in this survey made to determine Asia's Most Corrupt Countries.

We made it to the top!

That means we can corrupt anything we set our minds to. Nothing can possibly get in the way of our campaign to violate public faith. We piss at procedure and shit on protocol. We out-corrupted nine other countries to revel in such infamy...

And don't act so surprised. You live here.

Beggars Can't be Choosers Part 2: When Is Rockclimbing Downhill?

Suggested Titles:

1. Somebody Beat Them To It Half a Decade Ago
2. What Can Be More Sooo Long Ago Than Ice Climber?
3. When Is Rockclimbing Downhill?

Once upon a time, there was this brown crew of attention whores who braved Mt. Everest.

End of story.

Dull? I know.

Newsflash: First to climb to summit: Edmund Hillary and Tenzing Norgay on May 29, 1953.

It's not like they went there first. See, I really don't get all this glamour with the first group of Filipino climbers to brave the peaks of Mt Everest. It's not as fun as the first time it was challenged half a century ago, and the unnecessary publicity goes to show just how inadequate we are.

We were so busy with their glory that we might have forgotten one minor detail: It took us fifty years to challenge Everest. That's fifty years too late, and that's saying a lot if it comes from somebody with severe punctuality issues like myself.

We might as well take pride in being the only country that refused to climb Everest. How about that? That would have meant something else, but certainly never the fact that it took us that many years to climb Everest. Not that anybody will care to notice, but think of that as us doing a whole plenty of misleading.

See, we could've been the only country that didn't give a fuck care.

I'm sure they think they're pretty impressive, but I don't give a fuck think they're pretty impressive care. I personally don't care. I seriously don't. See, there's not much of an achievement in something that everybody's been doing, not in front of the camera for the most part, for the last fifty years now.

But then again, these Filipino mountain climbers didn't mind getting famous. They're taking in the glory, or the popularity wherever they can get it.

I guess beggars can't be choosers.

And yeah, I know this one's waaay overdue. I mean, do any of you actually remember anyone from that supposedly "historical" breakthrough? Yeah, I figgered just as much.

http://www.philippine-everest.com/

Same Shirt. Three Persons. And what happens to a joke when you're introducing that with the punchline?

Now here's the kicker: I came across a THIRD person wearing the same shirt on the same day. See, isn't the same green bad enough when two people are wearing it at the same time. And just when you're trying real hard not to be seen in the same room as the other guy, you stumble upon a third person wearing the same shirt as the two of you already are.

Luckily, I was keeping a spare jacket in my locker. No, I don't think it was purely by luck. A cool cat like my person keeps provisions in case of fashion emergencies. And provisions, in this situation is a spare jacket in my locker. I was wearing it immediately after the panic has lost it's appeal.

But then again, is it even proper to call it a fashion emergency when we were simply three people who shared the same good taste in green shirts. I'm not campaigning for politically correct shit-shit or anything. I mean, how was I supposed to forecast something as terrible as the same shirt with two other people anyway? If anything, it was simply a case of bad timing.

I'm just glad it's just a shirt. It would have been a smellier mess if it was the same boyfriend on three persons.

On account of I don't keep a spare boyfriend. I'll need a bigger locker for that.

My Three Wisemen Drove Metered Camels

This was something I wrote in between Christmas and New Year's Eve of last year 2005.

You know how sometimes our cab drivers would start with an unending monologue of unsolicited opinion? You're right there at the passenger seat, trying to breathe out stress from the day's work, wanting to get home in the quickest time possible with the loudest prayers for an uneventful drive. You're beginning to chill to some easy music in the background, and the air conditioning's working it's magic to get you relaxed. Then, just when you're almost all settled in, the driver turns the radio off, smiles back at you, and begins his first attempt at small talk.

It's not exactly rude, since there were still small semblances of a polite approach. And you can't really blame the poor guy. I mean, he's alone and probably friendless in his small office. And with all that travelling, you better believe that he's seen a lot of ugly BS that he just wants to get out of his system. Drivers are people too, and just like everyone else with a bad case of the shits, they just want to talk those out to the next available pair of ears. Which happened to belong to the passenger they're taking home. Which happened to belong to me for the time being.

I never mentioned in my resume that I am a people person since I clearly am not. I like people, but I like them better when they leave me alone. But I've come to realize that these drivers just needed somebody to talk to. I used to think that there must be something in me that attracts unwanted conversation. Turns out they're just bored for the most part.

Wiseman number one I met in the morning of Christmas Eve. He had a parasitic lesbian daughter with a heavy attitude problem. He was okay with her being a lesbian, but he was ferociously crusading against her being a 24 year old bum. He says, "Okay lang na mag-uwi siya ng babae tapos itira sa amin, pero yung ako pa ang aasahan niya na gumastos sa kanilang dalawa? Malaki na siya, naipag-aral ko naman, pero sobrang tamad at saksakan pa ng yabang. Wala sa lugar."

"Nahihiya na nga ako minsan sa may-ari nitong taxi. Dami nang bangga nito sa kin, pero kailangang kapalan ang mukha dahil ito trabaho ko eh. Ako lang ang kumikita sa min, tapos aangasan pa ko ng anak kong babaero. Yung tomboy."

I braced myself for more Gulong ng Palad material, sat still and shut my piehole. I don't really know how I can use this unnecessary information, but for some reason... "ay teka, bababa na ko. Here, manong, keep the change. "

I gave him eighty pesos for a ride worth 77.50.

Driver number two: "Sabi kanina nung pasahero ko, ang bagong pamahiin daw eh kailangan yung prutas ay walang itim na buto. Malas yun. Tapos kailangan eh pagulungin mo ng walong beses sa lamesa para tuloy tuloy ang pasok ng suwerte sa buong taon. Ako dati ang alam ko eh okay na yung puro bilugang prutas ang nasa lamesa, yun lang eh su-suwertehin ka na buong taon. Pero dati yun. Tingnan mo yung mga yan (points to nearby stalls selling new year's day props and merchandise), anong oras na pero andami pa ring ititinda. (It was roughly around seven in the morning) Wala mashadong nagbibilihan ngayon eh. Sa hirap ba naman ng buhay natin eh, kailangan mo talagang magtipid at gumawa ng paraan para magkapera. Di mo yan ia-asa sa mga bilugang prutas na walang itim na buto."

You know what, manong, you ought to go and start a blog or something. Or maybe even your own ministry. You're a freaking fountain of wisdom.

Driver number three: (started the ball rolling with) "Diyan ka na nagbagong taon sa opisina? (Smiles) Anghirap din minsan lalo't lumaki ka na pamilya mo ang kasama mong nagbabagong taon. Malungkot."

"Alam mo ba kung ano ang pinaka-importanteng bagay sa mga Hapon (Japanese)? Trabaho nila, tapos pumapangalawa lang ang asawa nila. Aba, katwiran nila eh pag maganda nga naman ang trabaho mo eh kahit ilang asawa pa ang kunin mo. Kakayanin mo pang pumili. Di na nga ako nagtataka kung bakit pag napapanood ko sa TV eh sa MRT na sila nakakatulog, nakatayo pa yun ah habang nakakapit doon sa sabit. Kailangan nilang pumasok eh. Importante sa kanila yung trabaho nila. Ganoon kahirap ang buhay ngayon, di gaya nung panahon ni Marcos."

(Marcos... Marcos... whenever I hear that name, something tells me that this is going to take some time. And maybe some microwavable popcorn.)

"Nagsimula na naman yang mga manghuhula na yan kanina, sabi nila na mas matindi raw ang demonstrasyon laban kay Gloria ngayong taon. Ganyan naman palagi eh, pababagsakin nila't pababagsakin yung mga nakaupo diyan, tapos ganun din gagawin nila sa susunod nilang iha-halal. Hindi rin naman ako naniniwala sa mga hula hula na yan, pero wala namang mawawala sa iyo diba? Palagay ko, hindi malabong tsumamba yang mga manghuhula na yan ngayong taon."