Top Ten Reasons Why I'm This Close to Hating Filipino Taxi Drivers

**Of course, I am not referring to ALL of them, but there are certain drivers who give you THE impression that they all attended the same dipshit taxi driver college.

1. They have to stop over for a gas refill. While the meter is running.
The only reason why a middle class queen bee like myself hails a cab is when I feel like I'm going to be late. My kinky night job guarantees less traffic, so I can allot some ten minutes to get to the office. Imagine my frustration as some taxi driver takes away five minutes of my allowance to refill his tank. We could have been using those five minutes to close the gap between my person and the office, but no. Hateful Taxi Driver Man has to take his time with what he can be doing while he's cruising, and he takes mine in the process.

Of course, I can always leave home earlier, but I have to allow at least thirty minutes to prepare, twenty minutes of which are spent in the washroom rolling the packaging tape.

2. They are closeted war freaks.
I remember this one time, just recently, when this driver got into a heated argument with a truck driver who refuses to give way. The taxi driver stops our cab in the middle of the road, catches the attention of this truck driver, attempts to pull him over, and he shouts the foulest of expletives at the same time. Its not love at first sight. Mr Taxi Driver Man is obviously provoking the fight out of Chickenshit Truck Driver Man. Chickenshit Truck Driver Man, being the surprising coward that he turns out to be, stays behind the driver seat and screams like a girl.

My Macho Posturing Dick Taxi Driver Man was grinning like a champion inbreed as he drives me home. This after alarming the shit out of my person.

3. They're sometimes grossly unhygienic.
Imagine being in an enclosed air conditioned space, and you're sitting next to this taxi driver who, after several minutes, reveals his alter ego without as much as a warning. Or a handkerchief. You find out that he doubles as this symphony conductor who specializes in wind instruments. Now, imagine those wind instruments as hoarse and throaty pipes with some sort of fluid discharge. And you find residual specks of said discharge on his steering wheel.

And then you begin to wonder: should you investigate your arms and the sleeves of your shirt for similar traces? You're thinking about it, because it will appear unethical. See, you want to shower him with kindness, as he was doing you with his spittle. Fuck you, Phlegmatic Taxi Driver Man, you and your unused Good Morning Towels suck.

4. They a. bore you b. make you uncomfortable c. freak you out with unnecessary small talk
And, as always, its the same old unending tirade on oil price hikes, bitch fits against the government, and oil price hikes. And bitch fits against the government. See, its the same silly tiring truck you probably heard from the last taxi driver who drove you home. And from the one before him. And you'll probably be adding your current driver, Boringly Dense Taxi Driver Man, in your list.

I actually wrote a piece about this certain sub specie. You might want to check out "My Three Wisemen Rode Metered Camels."

5. They drive with a deathwish. And, being her gay impersonator, I just quoted Jessica Zafra.
It's a wonderful way to commute, them taxi cabs, what with the isolation from them cheap ass jeepney passengers, but it just might turn out to be my coffin with wheels as Eat Your Heart Out Knight Rider Taxi Driver Man here goes 300 on a 120mph road. Mach 5, baby. Sure, they take me home faster, but I still want to get home. Like, you know, alive and stuff.

6. They over-charge.
Its either that, or they don't offer Basic Subtraction in Taxi Driver College. Or they never make sure that they have coins or small bills. You know, with which to make change. So what I do is I make sure that they do; I sometimes pay with coins. Of course, this is simply in response to their scripted "Ay, wala kayong barya? Wala akong panukli diyan." (Ay, do you have smaller bills? I wouldn't be able to make change.) I'm just being a girl scout.

That's how you deal with the Greedy Dipshit Taxi Driver Man. You sometimes have to be an asshole in return.

7. They give you a hard time when its raining.
We all know that, by default, they overcharge when its raining hard. That's a fairly charitable understatement. And that's if and only if, underscore ONLY IF they agree to drive you to wherever the hell it is you're going.

Imagine yourself suffering this screening process for close to an hour, only to have your relief cut short by having Choosy Taxi Driver Man small talk you to death on your way home. If the small talk doesn't get you, then the scary driving will. Or the fare.

They should know that karma in the year 2008 is digital. Its faster. Like broadband faster. Waaay faster than it was ten years ago. They should shudder this early on.

8. Sarah Geronimo should know that she used to sound like Celine Dion, but she was still a virgin back then. So she ought to stop trying hard to hit those notes because she's becoming so borderline desperate.
Oops, wrong list. But, while we're at it, I still think she should stop wearing those shiny clothes, too.

If you don't know who she is, then don't google her. What you don't know won't hurt your eyes or your ears. Or your sense of proper manners. Its not nice to throw insults, see?

9. You sometimes need to add twenty to fifty pesos more.
And then they'll take you in. It's either this, or number 10.

10. They forget to turn the meter on.
Of course, we know this is just a practiced scam which gives them the excuse to charge you their preferred fare. It's either this, or number 9, which ever comes first.

Horror Movie Review #19: 2001 Maniacs

2001 MANIACS
Directed By: Tim Sullivan
Release Date: 21 October 2005
Running Time: 87 minutes
Language: English
Horror Type: Very Violent Ghosts
Sex? - Oh hell yeah
Gore? - Unforgettable

Its got Robert Englund, that sexy southern accent I can never get enough of, and, for a treat, a fantastic money shot of a gay scene that did astonishing wonders to my nocturnal emissions. Robert Englund, however amazing he was as F.K., never did the gay scene, so that's a thankful bonus. The kill scenes are gory, generous and altogether remarkable in detail, and they work well with this gruesome ghost story, yes, that takes us back to the Great American Civil War.

Look out for the sweet kill scene after this ghost story reveals itself.

Momel's Rating: 4/5

Horror Movie Review #18: See No Evil

SEE NO EVIL
Directed By: Gregory Dark
Release Date: 19 May 2006 (USA)
Running Time: 84 minutes
Language: English
Horror Type: Psycho Mama's Boy Killers
Sex? - A bit
Gore? - Yes

World Wrestling Federation superstar Kane kills off a group of delinquents in this barely-there slasher flick that's as tired as they get. He's this towering hulk of evil intent that uses the strength of his fingers to pop out his victim's eyeballs. Why? So they see no evil. Get it? Anyway, it can be argued that he does this all in the name of Jesus; this mama's boy had a severely Christian upbringing which, ironically, caused him to gouge eyeballs in his adulthood. Twisted? Not really. I mean, not enough for a real horror movie.

He used to do choke slams and tombstones when he was a wrestler. He gouges eyeballs out as serial killer. You'd hope they transitioned him well as a psychotic super murderer, but no.

Momel's Rating: 3/5

Momel's Horror Quiz Part 1

**I devised this quiz myself, and, being the sore enthusiast that I still am, I know all the answers by heart. This is how some geeks are conceived.

Click on the link at the bottom for the answers.


1. In which episode were the Crypt Keeper's parents revealed? And what's his mother's show name? His father?

2. What chemical caused zombies to reanimate in Return of the Living Dead?

3. In the Resident Evil series, which private company was responsible for the annihilation of Raccoon City?

4. Who said "They're coming to get you, Barbara!"

5. Who was the hero in the Army of Darkness series?

6. Who played Anne Rice's Queen of the Damned?

7. What is the name of the Queen of the Damned?

8. Who was the Devil who possessed Regan in "The Exorcist?"

9. Who played Regan MacNeill in "The Exorcist"

10. Jason Voorhees was supposedly drowned as a kid in which summer camp?

11. Who gave his voice to animate the CryptKeeper puppet?

12. What do you call Pinhead's minions in the Hellraiser series?

13. Which toymaker designed and created the puzzlebox which trapped Pinhead and his minions?

14. Which actor played Freddie Kruegger?

And here are your answers:
1. Episode: Lower Berth. His Parents: Myrna the Mummy (his mommy...) and Enoch the Two Faced Man (his pa)
2. That chemical compound is Trioxin. Of course you didn't know that.
3. Umbrella Corp.
4. It was a famous line delivered by her brother, Johnny. He died.
5. Ash, played by the infamous Bruce Campbell. Personally, the Jim Carrey of B Movies.
6. Aaliyah. God bless her sweet soul.
7. Queen Akasha kicks ass with her sexy demonic dancing and her ability to will any vampire to spontaneous combustion.
8. Pazuzu. How do I know all these? Well, I just do. He hee
9. Linda Blair. And it was her most famous role, too.
10. Camp Crystal Lake. Drowning almost did him when he fought Freddie Kruegger in Freddie VS Jason.
11. John Kassir. You can't miss that name when you've watched the first three seasons twice.
12. The Cenobites were a very interesting crew of deformed demons who pledged allegiance to Pinhead after he's had his way with their mortal bodies. They're mortal no more
13. Philippe Le Marchand. Sexy name.
14. Robert Englund. I also love love him and his Southern Accent in the remake of 2001 Maniacs.

My Blogroll

**I'm doing this to economize the topsy turvy mess that is my sidebar. You will soon be seeing, where my blog roll used to be, a JPEG link that will redirect to this page. As they say with the word count in an alibi, less is more. But this doesn't mean that I also trimmed the contents of my roll. Worry not and shush your uneasy pie holes sweethearts, you're still here.

Oh, and the JPEG image, the banner on the right was something I used to represent the same roll TWO years ago. Sigh. Memories. Anyone got a violin I can play?


Closer to Home
Miseducation of the Damned Virgin
Mandaya Moore
The Devilish Queen
Malayang Paruparo
They Call Me Maruja: A Colorful Life at Random
XanFactor
Pat Caulfield
Jessica Rules the Universe
Kritikong Sosyal (Prosetitute)
Strut Your Stuff

Adrenalin Rush
And Maalindog na Mandirigma ng Shanara
Bold at Porn ni Dandy
Bulitas sa Ilong
Harsh Poetic Chaos
Hush and Listen to Khalel
Jeepney Diaries
Life's Just Exciting!
Ma-Ma-Ma My Tarugo!
My Name is Brew
My Pineapple Under the Sea
Randomisity
Sharp Ice
The Ramblings and Nocturnal Desires of AlexHates

Horror Movie Sites
Horror Movie a Day
Final Girl
Night of the Creeps
Wet Streets
LOL Horror
Gorginfoogle's Movie Guide
The Film Fiend
The League of Tana Tea Drinkers (LOTTD)


Other Very Helpful Sites and References
Making Expandable Posts in Blogger
Check Page Rank
Word Count Tool
Thesaurus.com
The Internet Movie Database
My Multiple Site

**Props and snaps to Blogrolling.com for keeping my roll tight all these years.

Back To the Old Writing Board

I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good. And I will still be writing my reviews. But they will be, shall we say, reduced to bite size pieces on account of the pressure that the word count impresses upon my creative economy.

Wordy! What I'm saying is that the earlier reviews are queen bitches in their detail-specific glory, and they make my shit hard. Anyone got a spare laxative I can use?

Oh, anyone ready for a horror movie quiz? I'm writing one now, nothing much, fifteen items, but I want to see if there are any real aficionados out there.

I'm dead serious. I'm swearing by my bowel movement.

In Case You Were Wondering Why I Slowed Down With the Reviews

**If you look at it closely, there is some sort of a moral buried here somewhere.

My horror reviews simmered at seventeen.

I could have said peaked, but I didn't, on account of I'm still desensitized myself and am seeking greater pleasure elsewhere. I could have said "My horror reviews peaked at seventeen," but I didn't. I said simmered, and there is still a big difference. Diction is key, and no, don't be stupid with your "why the fuck is this fag talking about diction when I ain't hearing him fake the American accent none."

See here, according to Mr Webster:



There is a horror behind this recession slash hiatus. It came to a point when I needed to have a pen and some paper BEFORE I even plug the DVD in because I'm looking out for some clever epiphany in the course of my viewing pleasure. It was necessary, because I needed to collect my clever and these details in writing. So I needed to have a pen and something to write with while I'm watching some horror flick. They say I look cute when I multi-task.

Anyway, that's how I get things done, and the way things were done was becoming mighty tiring. It became more of a task than a pleasant distraction, and it takes the fun out of watching a horror movie because, back then, I was thinking of writing a kick ass review. Seventeen reviews later, and I'm still mighty sore as a consequence.