My Worst Christmas Memory

I've never had a bad Christmas until that one in 95.

My mother, she's a doll I tell you, and she was wrapping singulary empty gift boxes. She was more like preparing them for display than having them summarize the holidays with new stuff on Christmas morning.

She had enough money for boxes, gift wrap, and tape, but not enough for actual presents. I was never a brat, but there was still some reasonable materialism in my person. Practice made it all the more refined. And with all my previous Christmases, I had more than my proper share of practice. My holiday spirit was this growingly greedy presence, more like an evolving summary of my abundant Christmases past. And it was that same nasty spirit, however improperly reasonable because it uses "upbringing" as an excuse, which played a big role in imprinting that memory with severe graphic detail.

I tell you, you don't forget things like that. It killed my expectations, made quick work of paralyzing my Christmas Spirit, and left me decidedly less convinced of a merry Christmas that year.

He He Hee-artwarmingest Part 3

Thank you so much Jhezper for the reference. You make me look like Jessica Zafra's gay impersonator. Aren't you sweetest summer kiss? He hee, I love it.

Related Posts:
Heartwarming-est
Heartwaring-est Part 2
Thank You So Much Bry!

Thank You Goes a Long Way!

I Give Myself Gifts on Christmas

I give myself gifts on Christmas. And yes, because I'm still going for the element of surprise, I wrap them presents until they're as pretty as summer. At least I'm sure that there's something to look forward to, some wonderful souvenir that will at least try to elicit a look of pleasant surprise, however practiced, come Christmas Eve.

I do this because I hate crappy gifts.

I AM buying the fancy idea poor people say a lot about thoughts counting more than the gift itself on account of I do tend to rain on somebody's Christmas day parade. On purpose. Most especially if I suspect that person to have wrapped this 10-piece shoe horn set with my name on it. Or if this other person gave me this monogrammed towel with the letters C A on it. Which is either a bad choice for a gift on account of my initials are R T. Or it might be a very cruel joke which meant the towel belongs to some Crazy Asshole.

But, like the good sport that I am, I always receive such presents with a fake smile. Or a straight face. Whichever is more appropriate.

The fake science that is Gift Shopping's pretty much hit-and-miss. You miss all the time, unless of course you're armed with a detail-specific wish list. Underscore specific since "porn," on its own, won't cut it if you get your kicks jacking off to gay male porn only to receive three volumes of heavy lesbian loving sea games.

Beggars Can't be Choosers Part 5: Only In the Philippines

The story is all about this group of carolers who were rushed to the hospital after a group of drunks opened a big can of whoop ass in the middle of their Christmas carol. Those drunks were singularly opposed to old school carols, so they asked for pop songs. Somebody in the crowd appealed to the drunks to please stop bashing the carolers. The said diplomat wasn't able to catch a flying bottle of beer which served as a prompt response to his request.

Allow me leave a blank space, enough for a paragraph, as I will be leaving enough room for disbelief. You remember the exploding laughter you receive after telling a very funny story? You remember how you'll be unable to speak as you're waiting for the laughter to die down? I'm going for that effect.


















Would it be a different story if we had eggnog as opposed to beer? You ready for another blank space enough for a paragraph?

Credits to Journal Online.

Something Wicked This Way Comes

Aside from growing a third nipple, one of the other passions I've been holding off for quite some time now is reviewing Horror Movies. If anything, this should keep you guys entertained in between mind blowing bullshit epiphanies. I infrequently have those burst of truths, but I watch horror movies like I look out for sexually transmitted diseases. So we'll have a whole hell of plenty of those, I reckon.

I don't think the third nipple is going to happen at all, but the reviews sure as hell will. Truth is, I've prepared a dribbling mouthful of reviews to kick start things in the ass. And I'll be posting those soon, real soon. I'm just making adjustments and finalizing some format to make things look less honkier than they really are.

I'm talking about the perfect intercourse between two passions here, and I think I'm off to something real good.

And It will have syringes, too.

Technical Support Story #4: Some Common Misconceptions

**Or very wrong statements you get used to while doing technical support.

1. You need long distance services to be able to use the internet.
2. Numbers are case sensitive.
3. You access your email by putting your email address in the address bar of your internet browser.
4. Doing a double right click makes things going.
5. Windows XL is the latest Windows operating system.
6. Putting a potato near your DSL modem/router will help your wireless DSL signal.
7. Yes, I can see what you are doing.

The Trouble With a Three Month Hiatus

I call it the Blogger's On/Off Switch

hiatus (plural hiatus or hiatuses)

1. A break or pause.
2. A gap in a series, making it incomplete.

Taken from Wiktionary

1. Your readership begins to think that you are beginning to quit blogging.

2. Your traffic begins to slow down, your hits dwindle to an all time low, and your recent posts appear ignored since the comments aren't there anymore. Not as they used to.

3. Your internet presence grows weak. You want to reach out to your readership and make some lame excuse like "another life distracts you from blogging."

4. You go back after a two to three month absence only to find out that several people in your blog roll have decided to quit blogging altogether. It's either that or they're just beginning to take a break from it. Just like you did three months ago.

5. You find it hard to arouse your readership. See, your recent one post a month ratio these past three months make you easy to ignore. Most especially when, just recently, you're only bloghopping to solicit comments for your posts.

6. You begin to notice how pathetic your template looks like compared to those heavily updated and newly widget-ed blogs you used to visit. This makes for a great segue for number 7.

7. You begin to develop blog envy. That's penis envy for bloggers. This makes for a great segue for number 8.

8. You realize it's been three months, but you feel so left out and so last year.

9. You begin to think, in a fit of misguided righteous indignation, if you really regret going on a blog hiatus after all. But then you realize you're just saying that. You miss your folks alright. And you find out there's no changing that.

10. You realize that it's not how it used to be.

I Pity the Smoking Fool

I pity the fool who learned to smoke in the year 2000. This same fool had to quit school for a year because of some very stupid wreck. He had friends in the same boat. Misery loves company, but this company of fools decided to learn how to smoke. They learned this well, but trouble is, they elected to unlearn the quitting part of it.

I pity the fool who is now having problems controlling his addiction to ten sticks a day. He's now on his bad habit for seven years now, and he knows better than to sustain this addiction for another three years.

I pity the fool who has read somewhere that ten years of smoking is overly critical for any smoker who's been observing the habit with religious discipline. This fool refuses to verify that 10-year reference point on account of his digits could very well be wrong, and he's afraid that he might be smoking far longer than that.

I pity the fool who can't do much about his addiction but to blog about it.

Thank You So Much Bry!

I've never been featured in any other blogger's chapel. Except maybe for that one time in 2006 where my blogger's ass was so sore after being heavily fist-fucked by this one site. I'm cool with that though. Don't be hatin.

Bryan, bless his sweet soul, featured me in one of his recent posts. That was such a pleasant surprise, really, and I just died knowing I had a spot in one of his posts. I liked the feeling, really, beats the hell out of lubricating with vapo-rub.

He also wrote me this letter, too. Sigh, he can be a Care Bear, and I'll call him Gay Heart.

I So Rule

I just signed up for Technorati! I hope I get to increase my visibility with this.

Technorati Profile

Heartwarming-est Part 2

Now this is big. Thank you so much. Really.


I am reminded of the first time I was humbled by a similarly pleasant surprise. That was about a year ago, and I hope I never failed you guys. Thanks again!

Related Posts:
Heartwarming-est
Rob Meets Rob in Rob & The Blogosphere

I'll Write For You!

Hi, in an attempt to expand my readership and entertain your nagging need to open a can of lazy on your blog, I am now accepting requests to be your guest writer. What that means is that I will be more than happy to write you a blog post from time to time, of course given the proper heads up and the details, and you must know how I write it. It's your blog, I'm just guest writing, and I'd like it to be as clean as possible, no loose ends, for both parties involved.

What's in it for me? All I ask is that you link me back, introduce me a bit to your readership, props, snaps, and all that good jazz. Don't worry, I'm doing the public whoring for free. I just want to be re-introduced, is all.

And what's in it for you? First off, this offer, I think, should take you across those lazy weekends or whatnot when you feel like you've been spending too much time online. I'll give you a "reserve write-up" you can post at a later time when you don't have much to post yet. That ensures some sort of continuity, and a refreshing approach to writing at the very least.

You will need to contact me for the details, and then I'll post a comment in your latest post, or I might reply to the email itself. Whichever one's the more recent. Include the following when making a request:

1. What the post is all about
2. How you'd like me to talk about that post.
3. When you need the post itself. I check mail every two days or so.
4. Please include the words "Hi Momel, Blog Post Request" in the subject.
5. I'm only taking three requests per week.
6. I won't do your sponsored reviews.

My posts will be at least 100 words long. I may or may not include a picture, but bear in mind that I cuss from time to time, so we might have some of that.

This offer is almost exclusive to those people in my blog roll on account of I know what they write about. I've been frequenting their chapels with energetic vigor, or at least I used to, sorry about that, and I have this general idea of what they are about.

Just let me know if you are interested. Send the details to momel8@yahoo.com. Thanks!

I Am Now Quitting Blogging...

I know you all might think that this is too sudden. But I've thought about this really, and it is with inconsolable regret that I cry out this announcement:

I am now prepared to completely discontinue this blog. And I have just signed up for a bigger house.

This house:



Ha ha haaa! I kid, I kid. This is my house, and there's no leaving. Not when I have a whole plenty of ideas to pitch. I'll see you more!

Related Posts:
The Missing Blog Soup! Blog Soup #2: Smog, Posers, and More Posers

Thanks to Eric Agulto for the idea and the application form!

Gay Beauty Contests

Beauty pageants have always been a staple in Philippine comedy. Or on any type of comedy, for that matter, as long as the stupid catches you off guard.

This is no exception. I watched this local Gay Beauty Contest this one time last week, and it was remarkable for a lot of reasons. And here are some of those reasons.

HOST: Wow, Candidate Number One, you are so very tall! What's your height?
Gay Candidate #1: I'm 5'9.
HOST: That's very tall! I'm 5'11, and it's very hard for me to be tall. So, is it very hard for you too?
Gay Candidate #1: Yes, it's very hard for me too.

I didn't get it. I'm 5'10 myself and it's not so hard, see?

HOST: Candidate Number Four, your question is, What is your greatest fear?
Gay Candidate #4: Ladies and gentlemen, that's a very good question. And to answer that question, I must say that, in all honesty, my greatest fear is blushing. Because if I blush, then that means I'm afraid. And that's why its my greatest fear. Thank you.

Anyway, that host sports a very fake, trying hard English accent a la call-center-agent-in-training, maintains that Candidates #16, #18, and #23 all love to watch TV during their spare times, and calls it the swimswear competition.

That was a long night. Out of twenty four candidates, we were treated to three Angel Locsins, three Katrina Halilis, four Marian Riveras, and one Black Darna. Much like a gay 12 Days of Christmas.

Technical Support Story #3: The Latest Windows XP

It's all fun and games until this customer type comes along.

We're doing a virus scan.
ME: That scan might take some time, sir. How long have you been using this computer anyway?
CUSTOMER: Uhmm, today.
ME: No, all your life?

Twenty minutes later and he wants to download a support program for his DSL connection. We went as far as the Download Page.
CUSTOMER: What do I do now?
ME: Tell me, what clickable options do you have in that webpage?
CUSTOMER: Well, there's Download _____ Tool... for Windows XP/2000 users, click here... for Windows vista users, click here...
ME: Oh okay. So which Windows do you have?
CUSTOMER: The latest.
ME: So you have VISTA?
CUSTOMER: Windows XP.
ME: Okay. So you mentioned a DOWNLOAD LINK or button for Windows XP users, right?
CUSTOMER: Yes.
ME: Can you try clicking on that button?
CUSTOMER: How about this one says Vista?
ME: No, that won't help.
CUSTOMER: So I click on this one here says XP?
ME: Sure, let's try that.
CUSTOMER: Oh there you go!
ME: Good job.
CUSTOMER: You're so very patient!
ME: Thanks. I know.

They Don't Have to be Alive, See?

I once wrote this post about the death of one of the people in my Friendster list. He was an offline friend, of course, and we had that specific network to keep in touch. But then he died, and freaky became him in my list, and my network now moonshines as an obituary of sorts.

I still have him in my list though.


Things became freakier when I found out that he's still logging in to his account. And then his Friendster Profile became some online OUIJA board which requires a login.

I was thinking he probably left his Friendster username and password in some over the top Last Will and Testament. But really, what's the point? It's not him updating his profile from his death on, recent testimonials are now eulogies, and what do you say to a dead guy via Friendster anyway?

I went on ahead and dropped him a simple hello just for the hell of it.

In case you missed it, here's the link:
Should you delete a dead friend from your Friendster list?

Technical Support Story #2: Blogs Make People Paranoid

There was this woman who saw her IP in her sister-in-law's blog. She didn't know it, but she was referring to one of those cutesy blogging tools for props. She then calls us to complain that she's being hacked, and she'd like us to do something about it.

How do you imply "Ma'am, aren't we being a little paranoid today?"